Reframing Resolutions
On making goals more enjoyable, accepting less than 100% and walking Ernie
I used to think I knew exactly what a goal was. Turns out, I had unnecessarily (and unhealthily!) added a few rules of my own.
If you had to choose, which of these sounds more like your definition of a “goal”?
(a) the end toward which effort is directed.
(b) the end toward which effort is directed. And if you succeed in reaching that end, you immediately hustle onto “what’s next?!” without pausing to celebrate your achievement. And if you don’t succeed in reaching that end, you berate yourself for failing and ruminate on all the reasons why you weren’t able to accomplish what you set out to do.
For much of my life, option (b) was how I defined and approached goals. Setting high expectations for myself in areas from law school rankings to wine certifications achieved. Constantly juggling several goals at once: steps walked, books read, minutes meditated. Becoming hyper-focused on accomplishing these goals, with varying degrees of self-flagellation when they weren’t achieved.
After I was diagnosed with breast cancer, my singular goal became “Beat Cancer” - which I wrote on my to-do list every day. And after I accomplished THAT one 😊 I took a break from goal setting entirely. My relationship with goals had become obsessive – and unhealthy.
While this “no-goal” period has been freeing, I’m finding myself starting to miss having goals. Especially as we move towards the beginning of a new year.
I want goals back in my life - but not the version that moves the goalposts 😉 and withholds self-compassion when I fall short.
I want to see if goal-setting can be something healthier. Even enjoyable.
Redefining “Achievement”: Accepting a Lower Pass Rate
One of my biggest challenges with goal-setting is that I’ve never been very generous about what I allow to count as an “achievement.”
For example, if I set a goal to work out five times in a week but only managed four, instead of feeling “yay me – I worked out most days this week!” my inner critic would berate me with “What happened?! Why couldn’t you do the fifth one?”
If I earned a 97% on an exam, instead of celebrating an objectively excellent score, I’d comb back through the material trying to find that missing 3% (true story – I did this on my French Wine Scholar exam).
No matter the goal - personal or professional - at the end I’d focus on what I hadn’t done, as opposed to all that I had.
I had an “aha” moment about this recently while listening to one of my favorite podcasts . . .
“Happier” with Gretchen Rubin and her sister, Elizabeth Craft, has been in my regular rotation since 2020. These ladies helped me through many a blah day during the pandemic – and I really enjoy their (non-toxic) positivity and practicality. For several years now, they have shared an approach to goal setting that combines fun with flexibility: matching the number of annual aims with the calendar year. Gretchen explains it best but the gist of it is pretty simple: for this upcoming year - make a list of 26 things, big or small, one-offs or longer term habits, that you’d like to accomplish during 2026.
I have participated in this exercise since 2022 and have maybe completed one third of my list. At best.
This is not at all surprising. In looking back at the items on my lists (yes, I have them printed out and saved in my desk drawer) – unfortunately, it’s clear that I’ve treated this as a collection of unenjoyable annual “should dos” with things like:
Get a colonoscopy
Clear my iPhone photos down to 5000
Get my weight down to ____ lbs (this number has increased every year)
Figure out how to pay HOA dues online
Super fun stuff, right? :-/
So, I’m listening as Gretchen and Elizabeth review their “25 for 25” lists when Gretchen casually drops this truth bomb:
“Neither one of us has ever once done everything on the list, not even close.”
Wait – was Gretchen Rubin saying that it was okay to not do something you’d set out to do?!
And she didn’t stop there:
“When you review your list, make sure to give yourself a lot of ta-das for things that you crossed off your list. [I]t’s easy to get focused on the to-dos and not give yourself the ta-das.”
I relate to Gretchen in many ways – we’re both Upholders, former lawyers, and prefer structure. When she said the above about her goal list, I thought: “if Gretchen Rubin can give herself permission to not get 100% and instead celebrate the process and progress, why can’t I??!”
I should be able to embrace this idea . . . I teach it to my wine students every day.
As a wine exam coach, the primary wine certification that I tutor for considers 55% a Pass. You read that correctly – getting just over half of the exam “right” means you have achieved! While this grading approach is pretty standard in UK academia, it’s often hard for students in the United States to wrap their brains around because for us, a 55% usually means you’ve failed.
So this year, I’m trying something different with my “26 for 26” list. I’m intentionally choosing things that sound fun - things I’m actually excited about - rather than loading the list up with obligations disguised as goals. On it are things like buying myself flowers from the cute florist shop around the corner, attending a Day of Mindfulness at the local Buddhist center, and allowing myself a guilt-free afternoon of binge-watching at home.
I already know I won’t complete everything on the list - and that’s okay. I’m practicing giving myself ta-das and accepting that achievement doesn’t require a perfect score.
When the Means Become the Goal: A Lesson I Had to Learn
My other big challenge with goal-setting is that I’ve often become so focused on the means that I lose sight of my true goal. I allow myself to get fixated on the process and forget the real reason why I’m doing it in the first place.
A poignant example of this is the “statement of motivation” I wrote when I applied to the Master of Wine program. Part of the IMW’s incredibly detailed application process requires individuals to articulate WHY they wish to join the program. In 150 words or less.
This was my answer: (I’ve just now added the bolded terms)
Provide a statement of motivation about why you wish to join the MW study programme. You should reference how you see yourself contributing to the IMW’s mission of promoting excellence, interaction and learning in the global wine community.
“I’m often asked what was the bottle that got me into wine – and the truth is, I don’t have one. What I do have though, is my first wine instructor – she is what ignited my passion for wine. My goal in joining the MW program is to pay it forward and have the same positive impact on other wine students. I’d also love to inspire others who didn’t choose wine as their first career, but who, like myself, became interested later in life. My blog and Instagram quizzes are focused on encouraging others to learn about wine in a fun and interactive way. Through both, I have connected with wine students of all knowledge levels from all over the world. As a Master of Wine, I would continue my support and encouragement of global wine students through online learning platforms.”
My ultimate goals are there in bold:
Take the energy and inspiration my first wine instructor gave me and pay it forward to other students
Encourage and support others
Have a positive impact, inspire, and connect
I did not need to join the MW program in order to achieve these goals. In fact, during the years I was an MW student, my time and energy was so consumed with succeeding in the program itself that I didn’t have anything left over to give towards my true goals.
I do not want that to happen again, so I’ve decided to pay more attention to my real reason WHY.
My Current “Statement of Motivation”: Because I Want to Walk Ernie When I’m 80.
Most goal setting advice encourages us to set specific, measurable benchmarks to achieve in the short-term – as opposed to focusing on an endpoint far into the future.
Gretchen Rubin, who studies happiness and good habits, suggests to: “focus on actions, not outcomes. ‘Learn three new Italian words each day’ works better than ‘Learn Italian.’ ‘Watch a classic movie every Sunday night’ works better than ‘Have more fun.’ Actions are concrete, achievable, and help us make progress toward the more distant outcomes.”
And I get that. But as someone who tends to focus on the frequencies – each day, every Sunday night – I’ve gotten wrapped up in the actions (means) and lost sight of my desired outcome (goal).
So, I’m going to flip that script. Even though a desired outcome might be distant, I’m going to make it my “Statement of Motivation” – and here’s why:
For years now, I’ve attempted to cultivate a stretching habit. Just 4x/week. Enough so that it’s “dailyish” (a Dan Harris/ Oliver Burkeman-ism) that I LOVE)
But it’s never really stuck. As the week progresses, I decide I don’t feel like stretching, don’t have time, it isn’t important right now, etc.
After numerous failed attempts, I started thinking about WHY I decided to form this habit in the first place. It wasn’t so I could place 4 checkmarks on my calendar each week. The act of stretching itself wasn’t my goal . . . so, what was my REAL reason for doing this? What was my “statement of motivation?”
Well . . . I want to be one of those 80-year-old ladies who can stroll around the neighborhood with her dog. Not a dog that can fit in your purse. Or a small fluffy one that an older lady “should” have. I want a big dog. A chunky, Heinz-57 rescue mutt named Ernie.
That’s my goal – my real reason for wanting to make stretching a habit NOW: Because I want to be healthy enough to walk Ernie when I’m 80.
I know I’ll reap many other benefits with daily-ish stretching: it forces me to slow down, breathe, take time for myself, and it feels great! But, my ultimate goal is to walk Ernie.😊 And there are many other ways I can (& will) go about achieving this goal – stretching is just one of the means to help me get there.
So, I’m going to start there. And place this picture somewhere prominent as a fun and gentle reminder to take 10 minutes to stretch now - so I’ll have 10 minutes to walk Ernie later.
As this year comes to a close, I’m wishing you a Happy New Year - and a little more ease as you think about what comes next. And if you decide to set resolutions, I hope you’ll let them be things you actually want, celebrate progress along the way, and stay focused on your own version of “walking Ernie.”